The Miracle!

What another beautiful day! Claire received the anointing of the sick during the mass today, and Fr. George anointed her. In the evening, we were a part of the Rosary procession, it was so beautiful to pray the rosary in so many different languages with so many people who love Our Lady and Our Lord and wish to pray through her to Him. After the rosary and late into the evening we had the true miracle! Our Lord was exposed in Blessed Sacrament in a side room/chapel of our hotel. The perfect way to the end the day with Jesus present Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity in the Eucharist. How wonderful to be with Him, tell him of the joys and sorrows of the day, have Him quietly listen and patiently be with us. What humility of our Lord to be in a small piece of bread in a side room of our Hotel while hundreds of people pray in the Domain of Lourdes. I believe he would not want it any other way. To have thousands of people praying the Sorrowful mysteries of Jesus through His mother. And yet, being able to spend quiet, contemplative time with Him truly present. I am so glad to be Catholic. I thank God for the gift of faith and the ability to be with Him.
To find peace you must be with Him.
O Sacrament most Holy. O sacrament divine. All praise and all thanksgiving be every moment thine!

The First Day at Lourdes - Feet washing and the baths.

Today was a wonderful full day. We began the day meeting the family that would be assisting us. The Knight was Timothy Jeffries and his lovely wife Mary Frances and their beautiful daughter Rachel. They would assist us throughout the day, pulling the cart or carrying Claire to her chair during the first service. We began with a feet washing and penance service. As you can tell from the pictures, Fr. George Mockel the vicar of the Oakland Diocese, washed Claire's feet. It was a wonderful moving experience. Fr. Mockel is a friend of the family, he is a funny, jovial man and a humble, holy priest. What a blessing to be a part of the experience. We are so richly blessed with many abundant graces.
Next, we went to the baths. We were told so many things about them and you can mentally prepare but not nearly physically, emotionally or spiritually. We ultimately leave all in the hands of our Lady and with the will of God.
It was so very precious to see the different volunteer ladies, all who spoke very little English, fawning over Claire to prepare her for the baths. They were so sweet and gracious. You can tell they do it for love of God and they certainly see the face of Christ in everyone they meet. I know that although physical healings were not immediate, we did receive so many healings in ways that are less obvious.
Next we had mass in the Rosary basilica. It was wonderful to be a part of the mass with so many bishops concelebrating. This opportunity is one we do not have the ability to participate in often.
Later in the evening I went to take pictures of the outside of the baths, and the candlelight procession for the other groups in different languages. It certainly was incredible and the Jeffries could not be more accommodating and helpful. I am so grateful to God and His mother for the many blessings Claire and our family have received.
Our Lady of Lourdes pray for us.
St. Bernadette pray for us.

We are here, in Lourdes

Praise God!!! We made it to Lourdes after over 12 hrs. of traveling, two plane rides and a short bus trip, we have arrived in Lourdes. The trip was very uneventful. We were very blessed.
We arrived at our hotel this afternoon and then met for dinner with other members of the pilgrimage. Over 150 people are on this pilgrimage with us and they are from different parts of the country.
At dinner we learned that there are several bishops on the pilgrimage with us, Bishop Brown from Orange and Bishop Niederauer from San Francisco to name a couple. Claire and I sat at the table with Joe Contandino who is the chancellor for the Western division of the Orders of Malta. Joe told us that Archbishop Allen Vigneron attended this same pilgrimage several years ago and as a result he was so moved by the experience that he requested to have the Order develop a clinic in the new Oakland Cathedral of Christ the Light, which they now have and run in Oakland. Joe mentioned that many bishops enjoy being a part of the pilgrimage because they have the opportunity to work with the sick in a capacity they would not otherwise be afforded them given their responsibilities to the Diocese as bishop. We are so blessed to have the Orders of Malta in our church an well as in our own diocese thanks to Archbishop Vigneron.
We will be having a full schedule tomorrow. There is the foot washing of the malades, then a trip to the baths, and we will have mass in the evening. It does not sound like much of a schedule if you are talking about 20-50 people, but if there are well over thousands it can be very hectic.
Please keep Ethan Mills in your prayers. He has been suffering with cancer since he was 3 yrs. old. He is now on hospice service. He almost did not make this trip, the paramedics detained him in the layover from Atlanta to Paris. He is here with his 21 yr. older brother. We ask for healing through the intercession of Our Blessed Mother and God's will be done.
More tomorrow, after the baths!!!

How is Claire?

The answer to this question, especially lately, is Claire is doing alright this is a hard time for her. She is still in pain, unable to walk and has lost some functioning in her arms etc. She has been through so much suffering and problems since her diagnosis 7 yrs. ago. To update, (from a lay man's and mother's perspective) Claire was diagnosed with JPA (juvenile pilocytic astrocytoma) back in 2003. After they discovered the brain and spinal tumors she underwent 2 yrs. of chemotherapy and 3 mo's of radiation. She was able to walk at this time, and for the most part lived a pretty normal life. Claire then began having surgeries to try to remove the tumors in the top and bottom of her spine, which the radiation and chemotherapy were not able to shrink. The surgeries were successful in that they removed the tumors but a portion of her spine was removed as well.
As a result Claire has suffered from the different types of therapy she has undergone, and has struggled with coping with absence of the tumors rather than their presence. Her appetite was diminished due to chemo. so she then began intestinal feedings in the evenings in 2005. She developed caiphosis (sp?), a curvature of the spine, given the surgeries. And, as a result of the curve she had a spinal fusion surgery-rods and screws placed around her spine to straighten her posture, and these eventually caused complications and infections. They were temporarily removed with another surgery which caused her spine to be crushed so she underwent another 10 hr. spinal fusion surgery. Life did improve after this. Claire worked hard and was able to walk with a walker and lead a normal. In 2008 Claire maintained a 6-9 month respite of good health and improvement.
Sadly, Claire later began showing signs of problems and complications. Last May 2009 she had surgery because spinal fluid build up was putting pressure on her spinal cord and the build up prevented Claire from walking and other problems. As a result of this correction other symptoms and difficulties developed. To sum up, Claire had many different spinal and brain surgeries to try to correct or maintain leg movement and other functioning. Unfortunately they were not successful and Claire lost the ability to use her legs. She also had a central line surgery, a broviak, placed into her chest because of her major weight loss and she began having intravenous feeding.
Within the last year Claire has had over 10 different kids of surgeries. She has spent over 4 months in the hospital.
Although her life may seem overwhelming given all of the complications and problems Claire has endured she has still been able to work and keep up with school. She is very smart and able to maintain a very rigorous Freshman yr. curriculum. Claire enjoys sewing and listening to the Giants games, especially when they win. Given all of Claire's struggles and sufferings, our family has been graced to witness her persevering in faith and devotion. She never questions her struggle, or her purpose. Sure she has her moments of anger and frustration, still she perseveres in hope and grace.
Now, Claire has the once in a lifetime opportunity to travel to Lourdes. The Orders of Malta have very generously given Claire a pilgrimage opportunity to Lourdes. We are so very blessed to be a part of her pilgrimage. We are so very thankful to God and the Blessed Mother for their gifts of grace and blessings.
In addition we want to thank our very generous family members and our parish. Without their help we would not be able to go. I want to thank Fr. Jerome Cudden for his direction to the program, to Fr. James Moore for his help with the application process, and Fr. Jerry Brown for his help in being a part of the trip. May God Bless you all and continue to strengthen your priesthood.
We ask you for your prayers and be assured of our prayers as we travel to France.
May God continue to bless us, and may His will be done.

No, we are not the Duggers...

Yes, we get that a lot. "You guys are like the Duggers!" Maybe because the number of children in the family is in the double digits. Unlike the Duggers, however, the names of the children of the Murray's all begin with different letters and are after a specific Saint and patron of the family. Similar to the Duggers each of us have responsibilities around the house and needs to help and care for the siblings. We parents need their help, and the siblings are the best prepared to provide the love, care and support because they share a home with them. I have seen how the the Duggers respect and care for each other and I do hope my family is as loving to their siblings and to others as the Duggers, even when the camera is off.
We have all learned, as a result of sharing everything in this large family to put someone else first. Maybe it was Claire who is ill, suffering in pain often, and away from home in the hospital or at doctors appt.'s. Or, Stephen who is autistic and needs special direction and patience. Maybe it is Fulton who is only 3 yrs. old and needs extra attention or John Mary who is only 4 mo's old and needs special care. It most likely is Michael whose high maintenance at 5 yrs. old puts his other siblings to shame. Maybe it is Matthew now almost 21 yrs. old and beginning his own life and leaving home, or Sheila who is 17 yrs. old and beginning to discern her own vocation with plenty of examples of a holy vocation in family friends. Maybe it is Kieran, Thomas and Joseph who need help getting to Kenpo or Boys Scouts or their other activities.
We all learn to sacrifice our needs for the greater good of the family. If we did not work together as a team, as one group serving God and each other; if we lived separate lives and as separate entities we would implode and we would not be better individuals for it. Therefore it is in a large family that we learn to love, to give, and to serve.
What better preparation and training in life?!

The loss of control and the gain of humility.

What a year this has been for the Murray's. We have had many struggles and endured much. We have had a loss of income, a loss of a child (a miscarriage), a loss of better health for Claire, a loss for a college student, Matthew was not able to return to UD, and a loss of security especially within our marriage. Through all of this I tried to maintain control. I wanted to fix everything in the best way I could because, of course, I know best. And, suffering and struggle... they were never in my plans for how to fix things. Rather, my ideas included outside improvements with very little effort made from me. God would have to fix everything.

Looking back now, what would I have gained from very little effort- void of suffering? Probably more vanity and pride. Not until I submitted, and I mean totally, and let go of my will to completely accept His will was their peace. I gained some humility (I am always working on that), something I had been praying for but certainly could not have until I was open to see my loss of control and a more Supreme plan. This school of humility was painful, but I am blessed to have been given the opportunity to grow outside myself and submit.

I am very grateful to my husband and family for their patience with me during this learning process of letting go of my own thoughts of control and submitting to His will, and I am so very thankful to God for His patience with me as I continue to learn.

It is Sheila's turn...

We all need anchors, or foundations from which to grow and blossom in life. Things to keep us planted, and firmly stable so that we may build a life on this firm ground. What would we do without those foundations? We crumble, we self destruct. The Murray Clan has many necessary anchors. One of the keys to the health of the Murray clan and building a home life with joy is having the wonderful help and grounding of my oldest daughter Sheila. Truly I am unsure of where we would be without her help. Sheila is very self-sufficient and giving at the young age of 17. Many teens spend time texting, or at the mall, or with friends, or playing computer games, or going to the movies. Sheila on the other hand is my right arm. Without the help she gives to her siblings, family meals, and house work, the Murray Clan would suffer. She is the backbone of our family. Claire needs her help and Sheila is such a wonderful example to her brothers of self-donation and self- sacrifice especially in giving her time to help Claire.

Sheila is currently praying for her vocation and feels called to nursing. This calling could certainly be the result of the large amount of practice she has already had. Sheila helps Claire to dress, and bathe, with her breathing machine, her broviak care, and her medications. Sheila is also a great sister and friend to Claire. What a blessing!

I am so proud of the fine young lady she has become. What a wonderful gift from God. What a fine example for the Murray's to witness Sheila's ability to live as our Lord said and live the Beatitudes.

Thank you Sheila.

I love you, mom~

"Let the Dames and Knights help."

Today we had the opportunity to meet the pilgrims and malades who will be going on the pilgrimage with Claire and I. This was a truly surreal moment. Joe, my husband, shared with me when we were accepted as pilgrims that he had prayed most of his life to go to Lourdes. I cannot say that I have done that. Lourdes seemed a dream that was unattainable. I prayed for Claire to go, but given all of the changes in the last year with finances and troubles, I never thought it would be possible. I guess I had very little faith.

At the luncheon, after meeting the other pilgrims and organizers, we sat down to a buffet lunch and then we were introduced to the leaders of the pilgrimage. The leaders had a chance to speak about the trip and to help prepare us we watched a video of last years trip. While watching the slide show I felt overwhelmed with emotion. What a blessing to be there, to be selected to go at the desire of Our Lady, at the will of God. How awesome and overwhelming. For a moment, I wanted to run. Why?!! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. A very generous group pays for you to go to France and participate in a pilgrimage to Lourdes. What a gift!! But, I felt unworthy and as if this gift was given to a person totally undeserving of these opportunities. "Depart from me Lord a sinner." The director of the pilgrimage mentioned to all the pilgrims that no one is worthy. For some reason Our Lady and Our Lord had selected us, me, and we needed to submit to their will.

I had a chance recently to reflect on this further. I have prayed for many things, this trip being one of my petitions. Having those prayers, those pleadings being sent to heaven and at the feet of Our Lady made me feel hope and confidence. Some of the prayers would be answered in my favor, and yet many times the answer to my prayer was no. I knew intellectually then, it was God's will; but so often I act like a spoiled child demanding my will, my wants. When your prayers are answered, and so abundantly. It leaves you speechless, unworthy and overwhelmed. How can I every adequately thank or repay the Orders of Malta, my family, and our parish for their generosity. Most importantly how can I thank God and His mother sufficiently for granting me this wonderful gift.

I pray constantly that I am pleasing God and doing His will. Please help me always to do your will, Lord.

A gentleman sitting next to Claire and I at the lunch who went on the pilgrimage 4 yrs ago. mentioned that he has vivid, beautiful memories of his trip to Lourdes, he said he was old and can't remember much but he does remember his trip perfectly. I pray for that ability and to be able to share it with others in the future.

Our Lady of Lourdes, Pray for us.

St. Bernadette, Pray for us.

Suffering leads to wisdom.

This insight truly hit me. Although I have probably heard it often. Now, it all seems so very clear to me. Without suffering we remain in our selfish ways. Without suffering we cannot allow God to work in us. Indeed, we all know this intellectually; still, it is overcoming our own will to transform and accept the will of God and the suffering He may allow in our lives.

I don't believe that our family would be as able to love sincerely without the suffering we have expeirenced as a clan. Or the suffering we have witnessed Claire experience.

This may sound somehwat sadistic. We need to suffer or watch others suffer in order to love?! Yes, it sounds odd. But relating it to that of the cross, that of the life of Christ, is this not true?

Now that I have moved through the experience, in going forward I am able to educate and reflect on the past. I do plan on revisting this past, although memory lane is not my favorite part of the city, so that I can share my feelings, my ignorance, and my selfishness. I do have alot of confessing to make.

So, the suffering leads us to look at that cross and realize how much God endured for us. Carrying that cross allows us to endure it for him. I pray that I may carry that cross for Him daily and I ask for the grace to do His will in all things especially the challenges and struggles which strengthen us and lead us to heaven.

This is a new thing!!

So..., I am not good at this bloggin' stuff, but I know that this is the best way to keep a journal because no one, including me would be able to read my writing. And, if it is God's will, our experiences may need to be shared with others. If nothing else to keep a record of our experience for all the Murray clan members.

Why keep a journal? What is so special about us, our family, our experiences. Not much. Still, if I am going to keep memories of what has been endured and shed light for the future especially in the clan. This may be the best way to do it.

So here goes....